Young Gay Men Talking

Still on the fence

Hey this is Still on the Fence and this is my story.

Well, I'm just about fifteen years old and obviously you can tell that I'm still on the fence, and reluctant to come out. I've only recently, like in the past month or so, accepted full heartedly that I'm gay. When I think about it, I've displayed tendencies of being gay for about as long as I can remember. I remember in fifth grade seeing those shirtless abercrombie and fitch modles on the bag, and I just couldn't look away. I didn't really understand that I was (lol, extremely) attracted to the guy in the picture, but I did understand that I liked looking at him. I dismissed this, because the only people who were gay was that guy who always sat with the girls, right?

At the end of fifth grade I joined boy scouts, and man was that a journey. Anyone who's a boy scout knows that campouts are putting a score of hormonal teenage boys together in a confined area with no girls around. The moment the sun goes down everyone seems to turn gay (Lol!). Well, I got through those years just fine, and never suspected that I was gay. I was an early pube, so I accidental started masturbating when I was eleven, and I didn't even know what I was doing. I would always think of women when I masturbated, so it never even crossed my mind that I was gay. I never suspected it until one boring day in eight grade when all the sudden I got fantasies about some of the boys I knew (none of my friends cuz that would just be gross!) and I taking off our clothes and masturbating. After that I could never think about girls again. I tried sometimes, but I never got as aroused.

It's been a year and a half since then, and well, it's been a journey. At first, I just accepted that maybe I was physically attracted to guys, I would still marry a girl and have kids. It was a long battle until just in the last month I accepted that I would never be with a girl, no matter now much I wanted to be normal. Since then the hardest part about being gay is not being able to tell anyone. For example, there's this one kid that's really fun to be around and we all love having him around. I'm far from attracted to him, but the problem is that none of the girls find him "boy-friend" material either. So naturally, he asks what it is about him that girls find unattractive. Last week I tried to explain to him, and a girl cut in and was like, "why are you talking, you wouldn't know" and it just kinda floored me when I realized that many of my friends don't think I'm gay. On the other hand, I have a lot of bi and gay friends who are almost positive that I'm at least bi.

I want to come out, because I want a boyfriend, and I know that my bi friend knows every gay guy in the school and could easily hook me up, but I'm afraid to come out. I'm not afraid of people ridiculing me, because I'm better than them and I'm not too humble to admit it. XD! My main concern is the fact that once it's out I can't take it back. I know that my mom won't have any problem (in fact she would probably be overjoyed, having three sons and no daughters) but my dad's my concerns. Oh, he wouldn't get mad, and he would still love me, but I know that he'd be really disappointed, and that would hurt more than anything. I don't know, for right now I'm happy to sleep in the closet, but I don't know how long that'll last.

Sincerely,
Still on the Fence