Mino
Hopefully my words might leave a lasting impact on those that read them, as I don't wish my path on anyone. Take it from me, I paid a heavy price.
We all say, oh I'll never be like that. DON'T EVER FOOL YOURSELF IN THIS PERCEPTION. I never imagined myself going to prison, let alone spending a third of my life in them! I definitely considered myself drug free, yet I was an intravenous drug addict for ten years. HIV, couldn't possibly ever happen to me, believe me it can very easily happen to anyone and its all got to do with choices, that in many instances always hold and leave devastating consequences. It's totally up to you whether they are positive or negative in nature.
Many times throughout the course of my life, the circumstances or situations I found myself in. I felt that they were not only in themselves so bitter, but totally overwhelming and more times than not, I wished I had the courage to die rather than face those hardships. Although the reality of it is, and it only took me forty years of great pain and suffering to figure it out. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to live life, regardless of its obstacles.
I believe that I've had the H.I.V. infection now for nearly ten years. The specialist whom I see on a regular basis is brilliant when it comes to dealing with H.I.V. infection and the unpredictable Aids. He has informed me that out of the one hundred participants in the drug trial I participated in, my progress is above average and my body has handled the very toxic medications extremely well.
Many have often raised the question, as to what it's like to be living with HIV. While the answers in themselves revolve around my psychological well being, my emotional stability and my physical health. To capture the insurmountable complexities surrounding this bewildering disease, it would take many years of studying and certainly it would fill numerous books. Perhaps one day, as being a long term survivor of this illness I will write about what it's like living with HIV, THE MADNESS WITHIN. By any standards it's not a pretty picture and in as much share the following.
Since being on these drugs, there has been one inescapable side effect that has persistently remained, as part of my daily struggles. Could it in fact just be an irritating reminder as to my foolishness in life? Within the first week of taking these drugs I began to notice a chilling ache in the bones or joints around my hips, knees, feet and hands. To try and describe it I don't know where to begin or where to end. To give an accurate explanation, just imagine your bones to be very brittle and in a carpenters vice, slowly being tightened! THERE IS NOTHING IN LIFE THAT WE CANNOT ENDURE, EVEN THE MOST HORRIFYING OF EXPERIENCES; EVENTUALLY WE GROW ACCUSTOMED TO THEM. As long as I remain active, this ache goes unnoticed. Through it all, I have been a survivor.
I firmly believe that regardless of our circumstances or situation in life. We should never lose sight of our goals or dreams, no matter how impossible they may seem. In remaining persistent, determined and focused, one day even the impossible can and will become a reality, we just need a belief.
I think that the most important message I can leave you with is that: The biggest obstacle a person faces in life is their underestimation of the strength, as well as the perseverance that they posses within themselves, when it comes to overcoming any and all obstacles placed in their path. Remember, regardless of your circumstance or situation in your life, you are not defeated unless you choose to accept defeat as final, in which case you have given up on yourself. I firmly believe that no matter what obstacle you're faced with in life you are the ruler of your destiny and if you allow that obstacle to control your life then without doubt it is bound to cripple even the strongest and bravest of society. Therefore regardless of the circumstance, you control it. Don't let it control you.
Regardless of sexual preference or the stage of someone's illness I regard everyone who shares this disease as a brother or sister in a combined effort to fight in every way possible this devastating illness that has reached enormous proportions worldwide.
AVERT.org: Mino Pavlic is the author of a book called "No Obstacle Too Great", which further describes his experiences of prison life, drug addiction and living with HIV.
Trevor
Hi,
My name is Trevor and I live in Brisbane Australia.
Im 40 and have not had a long term partner for over 10 years, the last relationship lasting for 12 years, i did not feel the rush to find a new one. My jobs were always changing as was my locations.
Late last year, early december in fact, i met a wonderful man who changed my life and I his, our sex life was nearly non existant as we spent many nights talking as we both found each other enigmatic and interesting. However, one night, I said if we were to continue, I would like to get a hiv check. He agreed and we thought no more of it.
One week later, i returned to the clinic and received my terrible news and it has been over 6 weeks since the diagnosis.
I felt numb, lost, terrified and abhorently ill. The emptiness inside was shattering.
When I left the clinic, i switched my mobile phone on and it rang immediately. The caller was my new partner and I told him over the phone. (I did not know until he told me, he knew, instantly when I answered the phone, because It had been over 2 hours since I had been in the clinic and he felt the worst).
He found it incredibly difficult to handle and told me he was terrified. I saw another side to this person and for 2 days all he talked about was how is he going to cope?. At first I found this startling as I was the one with the diagnosis, but in fact turned all my efforts in to helping him cope with his mental health. It took my mind away from what I was supposed to be dealing with. However 3 days later he told me he could cope no longer and I was sent on my merry way.
Since then I have told 2 dear friends, who did not flinch, falter in their speech or react any differently than in a normal situation.
My family are still unaware and I feel it is important to think very carefully who you talk to, when first diagnosed. I have since found all the medical team at the clinic are extremely encouraging and helpful and I thank God every day that I live in Australia. I am going on early treatment although my viral load and CD4 are normal, but it was asked of me by the medical team as a reserach project and jumped at the chance.
To those poeple, who have been recently diagnosed, do not be afraid. I was, but my mental health started to decline, particularly when my newly found partner left me, a tragedy, as we all need a mate in our lives. But this is a virus, not cureable, but certainly treatable. It is no longer a death sentence, but I believe it is important to maintain mental health, active lifestyle, and wellbeing, as we should all be doing in the first place.
I am still coming to terms with my status, but after 6 weeks from being diagnosed and ongoing medical assistance and support, I am pyschologically feeling a lot better, and focus my days around posivtive thoughts.
I urge everyone to feel happy, do positive things for themselves and stay healthy. Its important.
Thankyou
Steven
Hi there my name is Steven, I live in Newcastle upon Tyne England and would like to share my experience of living with HIV.
I just want to say what a wonderful site you have I was only told about it last week by a sexual health worker whilst doing a work shop about awareness of HIV being a positive person myself of 12yrs and healthy thanks to medication. I particularly like to read the stories of other people who are positive and are just getting on with their lives. I share my story in the hope it may help someone newly diagnosed or someone who is having a bad time with their status.
I was diagnosed with HIV in January 1993 in Brighton up until that point I believed HIV didn’t affect me and ignored it and carried on with life. The day I was told I was HIV+ I left the clinic and sat in a bus shelter on Brighton seafront and cried and cried and wondered how I was to tell my partner who also was tested shortly after and quickly became ill and died 6mths later.
life seemed pointless at that time as I didn’t know how long it would be before I got ill and lived in fear of when? If? As time went I started to get my life together and decided that HIV wasn’t going to beat me and decided to fight it.
During the 12yrs I've lived with the virus I’ve been on several combinations of drugs and despite the horrid side affects of them and the rejection I’ve received from people, family friends work colleagues it hasn’t made me give up fighting this virus and will carry on and live life to the full.
many thank for a wonderful web site I'll certainly be using it on a regular basis.
Once again many thanks
Steven
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