Trevor
Hi,
My name is Trevor and I live in Brisbane Australia.
Im 40 and have not had a long term partner for over 10 years, the last relationship lasting for 12 years, i did not feel the rush to find a new one. My jobs were always changing as was my locations.
Late last year, early december in fact, i met a wonderful man who changed my life and I his, our sex life was nearly non existant as we spent many nights talking as we both found each other enigmatic and interesting. However, one night, I said if we were to continue, I would like to get a hiv check. He agreed and we thought no more of it.
One week later, i returned to the clinic and received my terrible news and it has been over 6 weeks since the diagnosis.
I felt numb, lost, terrified and abhorently ill. The emptiness inside was shattering.
When I left the clinic, i switched my mobile phone on and it rang immediately. The caller was my new partner and I told him over the phone. (I did not know until he told me, he knew, instantly when I answered the phone, because It had been over 2 hours since I had been in the clinic and he felt the worst).
He found it incredibly difficult to handle and told me he was terrified. I saw another side to this person and for 2 days all he talked about was how is he going to cope?. At first I found this startling as I was the one with the diagnosis, but in fact turned all my efforts in to helping him cope with his mental health. It took my mind away from what I was supposed to be dealing with. However 3 days later he told me he could cope no longer and I was sent on my merry way.
Since then I have told 2 dear friends, who did not flinch, falter in their speech or react any differently than in a normal situation.
My family are still unaware and I feel it is important to think very carefully who you talk to, when first diagnosed. I have since found all the medical team at the clinic are extremely encouraging and helpful and I thank God every day that I live in Australia. I am going on early treatment although my viral load and CD4 are normal, but it was asked of me by the medical team as a reserach project and jumped at the chance.
To those poeple, who have been recently diagnosed, do not be afraid. I was, but my mental health started to decline, particularly when my newly found partner left me, a tragedy, as we all need a mate in our lives. But this is a virus, not cureable, but certainly treatable. It is no longer a death sentence, but I believe it is important to maintain mental health, active lifestyle, and wellbeing, as we should all be doing in the first place.
I am still coming to terms with my status, but after 6 weeks from being diagnosed and ongoing medical assistance and support, I am pyschologically feeling a lot better, and focus my days around posivtive thoughts.
I urge everyone to feel happy, do positive things for themselves and stay healthy. Its important.
Thankyou
Steven
Hi there my name is Steven, I live in Newcastle upon Tyne England and would like to share my experience of living with HIV.
I just want to say what a wonderful site you have I was only told about it last week by a sexual health worker whilst doing a work shop about awareness of HIV being a positive person myself of 12yrs and healthy thanks to medication. I particularly like to read the stories of other people who are positive and are just getting on with their lives. I share my story in the hope it may help someone newly diagnosed or someone who is having a bad time with their status.
I was diagnosed with HIV in January 1993 in Brighton up until that point I believed HIV didn’t affect me and ignored it and carried on with life. The day I was told I was HIV+ I left the clinic and sat in a bus shelter on Brighton seafront and cried and cried and wondered how I was to tell my partner who also was tested shortly after and quickly became ill and died 6mths later.
life seemed pointless at that time as I didn’t know how long it would be before I got ill and lived in fear of when? If? As time went I started to get my life together and decided that HIV wasn’t going to beat me and decided to fight it.
During the 12yrs I've lived with the virus I’ve been on several combinations of drugs and despite the horrid side affects of them and the rejection I’ve received from people, family friends work colleagues it hasn’t made me give up fighting this virus and will carry on and live life to the full.
many thank for a wonderful web site I'll certainly be using it on a regular basis.
Once again many thanks
Steven
Pat
Hello, great website and have added this link to my homepage.
My name is Pat, I turned 49 this past month and live in Austin, Texas. God must have a reason for me to be here today considering the number of my friends over the past 25 years that have died from complications to HIV/AIDS.
I can remember back in 1982 when I tested positive for HIV and never gave it much thought really at the time. Actually, I have a good idea who infected me since unprotected sex was as common place as turning the light switch off before getting into bed.
Sure, I slept around with a numerous guys, just as any teenager would with females prior to the 80's. Although the last 5 years have been total hell heath wise, numerous hospital stays, devastating drug side effects, near death experiences, and losing my lover of 15 years to PCP, a very bad form of pneumonia.
In 2001, when I was feeling ill, not thinking it could be anything serious other than a bad spell of flu, I went to a local minor emergency, only to be seen a doctor who did some blood work and left to only be called back in the next day to be asked if I had a funeral plan. Of course, I thought this doctor was kidding around, but he was not. I was told that day I was going to die because I had AIDS.
Of course not expecting to hear that, I went home and cried, not because I was told I had AIDS, but because my lover had passed away the same day at the Hospital whiles I was in the Doctor's Office and was called by a friend with the news.
To make a long story short, I went to the Regional HIV Clinic in Austin for another specialized test to verify the doctor's diagnosis. Within a week, it was verified that I had AIDS with a viral load of a little over a million.
Over the next 4 years between all the HIV meds, drug trials and near death experiences in the hospital, it's by the grace of god I am still alive after being HIV+ for 24 years this month.
Currently, I am undetectable, for how long, nobody knows, but I would guess as my doctors tell me, it will only be until the current meds, which were recently approved by the FDA become resistant.
I cannot begin to estimate the number of men that have had sex with me since High School, the majority unprotected at their request even after I told them I was positive.
But today, it's all safe sex regardless if they want to use a condom or not for anal sex, unless that person is poz already.
The year of 2002, I attended more funerals, 13 to be exact of very close friends that died from complications of this terrible disease and hope to attend no more.
I am very proactive in my community about HIV prevention.
pat
AVERT.org: It should be noted that unprotected sex between HIV-positive people is not considered a risk-free activity. Apart from the risk of transmitting other sexually transmitted infections, there is also a small chance of "superinfection" taking place. Superinfection refers to someone becoming reinfected with a different strain of HIV. This can potentially worsen disease progression and complicate treatment. Therefore condoms are recommended even if both partners are already HIV-positive.
Mark
This is is my message about HIV awareness and prevention after running from all the things I have done wrong and the crimes I committed. I finally got caught and went to jail. At the prison I asked to see a doctor. They took me to see an HIV doctor but I couldn't get an appointment, so I had to go back to jail. They never did take me after that. The sheriff showed me a list of bills that made me feel like he was blowing me off. I thought to myself - why is he showing this to me? I didn't get any meds while I was in that jail. Finally I got so bad I had to beg for medication. I was moved to a different prison and they gave me medication. I asked my mom the other day if she would help me write about my experiences. The following is what we wrote together:
Mark - "Mom how did you feel when I told you I was HIV + in March 1994?" How did Dad feel about it?
Mom - "I was scared to death! I thought you would die within the year, and I believe Dad felt the same way."
Mark - "How did you feel about my first day out of prison when certain family members were too scared to allow me to stay with them and their children because they were scared to death of the rash on my face and the blood and scabs?"
Mom - "I was really glad when you got out son. But I was extremely upset that our family wouldn't let you stay."
Mark - "OK, stop for a minute. This rash - I had it all through jail and prison. I was given some cream for my face but it didn't help, in fact it got worse."
Mom - "Your aunt and uncle felt so bad, but they were scared for their children and didn't want you around them. The way you looked made them scared. They love you Mark! It scared me about the way you looked, but more than the rash I was worried that you had been mistreated and that made me very angry. You looked scared and felt that no one would ever love you. I just want you to know that we love you and if there is anything that you need we are here for you."
Mark - "OK, what made me really angry (and I hope this makes it to every paper in the world) is the following: I finally got a doctor here where my Mom lives and had an HIV genotype done and some other lab work. My CD4 was in double digits and I found out that I was resistant to all of the medication I had been taking. I couldn't beleive what I was hearing and ANGRY is putting it mildly as to how I was feeling at that moment, as well as betrayed. I wanted to sue everyone involved and make them pay for their inability to treat me properly. This isn't a game, it's my life! My mother asked me to let it go. I can't and won't let it go. This has gone too far and I feel I must let the world know about it."
Mark - "How did you feel about me losing weight?"
Mom - "How any mother would feel. WORRIED that you were getting worse and that I was going to lose you! That's my biggest fear!"
Mark - "It's not fun when you lose weight like this because you waste away. When I get night sweats it feels like someone threw a five gallon bucket of water over me."
Since I have been out of prison, I have remained drug free for 3 years. I've been told AIDS is sin. Well it's not, it's a disease. I live in a small country town where there's no AIDS awareness or prevention. Now how can you prevent yourself from catching HIV? Remain abstinent. A lot of people are not willing to refrain from sex however. Unfortunately no sex is the only safe sex. Those words especially go out to teenagers. You have your entire life ahead of you. Think about it. Is sex worth sacrificing your entire future for? AIDS can be transferred via body fluids, semen and blood. If you cannot say no to sex or are older and have found the right person for you, get tested first. If you date more than one person, condoms are good protection, but can break. Don't be afraid of shaking hands with someone who has been infected. Sitting next to a person with HIV will not make you susceptible to catching it and there is no need to worry. I plan to add more to this revision of my letter. I am hoping this gets published and if it does not, it's one more example of the ignorance in this world. That is an infection in itself - ignorance. People are not taking heed to what they are being taught about HIV and don't take it seriously until it is too late.
Mark
Resilient
Hello, I am a 19 year old gay male living in Los Angeles, California. This is my story of the tragic day I was diagnosed with HIV. Let me start with some background information. I was sexually abused at a very young age which impaired my self esteem and sexual development. I believe that the abuse ignited my sexual drive at a very early age and I began having sex at 12 or 13. Like most adolescents I thought I was invincible and that nothing could ever go wrong. I was aware of the risks, but sometimes during the act I didn't care enough to stop.
Soon after turing 18 I decided to get tested as it had been 2 years since my last test. My best friend and I went to a local clinic. When I was told I was positive I thought "This can't be happening to me." I felt my worth as a human had been stripped from me, and I was just another statistic lost amongst millions of others. I spent 45 minutes gathering myself together. Surprisingly I didn't cry. When we were ready to leave I asked if we could be let out through the back door. I was afraid people would see the expression on my face and know that something was horribly wrong.
A month went by before I finally decided to tell my parents. My mother of course was devastated, but she has learned to cope with my calamity. She is my number one support. I love her so much, and this has strengthened our relationship. It's been about a year since that day and I have a much more positive outlook on life. I don't believe God is punishing me for something I did wrong in my life, but I do feel he has blessed me in some odd way. I feel I have a mission with my infection to help oethers, maybe even find a cure. But I do know that it has taught me a lot about myself that I didn't know before.
Sincerely,
Resilient
David
My name is David
October 15, 2004, my lover David M~~~ died of AIDS. He was thirty-two years young and so full of life. He was a beautiful person. So gentle, good-natured and loving. It's been difficult living without him for he was truly the love of my life. David was not only a published poet and artist with paint and materials, he was a caregiver to his lover before me who also passed away from aids. He was positive for sixteen years and almost died in his twenties but chose to walk away from the overdoses of AZT doctors had prescribed. As he always said, "doctors are practitioners of medicine...they're still practicing at their profession."
Two years after David and I got together, I was informed I too was positive. Not only HIV but HCV, hepatitis C. My family has turned their back on me so scared of these virus' they are, and it's been my blessing to have David M~~~'s family come to my aid. They are my family now. They witness the last six months of David's life in hospice and under my care and saw first hand the devastating reality of AIDS. Before I die, I want to do whatever I can to bring to the front burner, the need for assisting those with this horrible plague. To encourage safe sex in the young and old alike. To remind everyone AIDS cares not who it infects. Young straight gay upper middle class...anyone living and breathing. I miss David everyday and look forward to the Day when we'll be together again.
The only thing that keeps me going is trying to educate the public to this very real menace.
David L. P. Ms.
Richard
My name is Richard, I live in Australia now. Where drugs are free and I live a normal life. If you can call it normal.
I grieve still for my wife and child in Africa.
I have a different problem here? American ignorance! Being +HIV = gay. Unlike Africa, I've nothing against homosexuals, but it's not me!
So you must be a drug injector? No!
I now have to deal with two prejudices in a civilized country. America refuses to believe natural sex transmits disease, yet alone US manufactured needles!
I know exactly how it happened! Christine miscarried and was anemic, wanted to visit her nyanga, but me, being white and civilized, I insisted she had a blood transfusion. It was early eighties. Not the sort of thing anyone would do now?
I feel so alone now; still trying to believe it wasn't all my fault?
Chris
Hi,
As a gay young male I didn�t really know who I was and found myself craving the company of men and having sex with them without knowing their name or who they were. Sex with them gave me a momentary fill. I found my self skipping school to meet men and have hot steamy sex with them. It was killing my self-esteem and I decided to put my life back together.
Well I found out that I was HIV+ around my 18th birthday. I was devastated because I felt that my life was at a complete end. One year later I found a friend that was around my age who was HIV+ and was working in a place where your status did not matter. I went to work for them as a Community Follow-up Worker working with HIV+ homeless clients who needed housing n New York City. Three month later I became a Case Manager Technician and soon a Case worker. Today I am celebrating my 21st birthday!
I am a Senior Case Manager for a nonprofit and quality assurance associate. I am 100% Latino Dominican hot young and sexy. Although at time I suffer from depression I just tell myself:
Although I may be HIV+ I still get looked at and can get any man I want (o� so I think).
Anything is possible I�ve been positive for close to 3years now and never have I gotten sick, I don�t even take any kinds of meds. Although there are times I can�t do anything; I just choke it up to old age! lol! Keep hope alive and help out your fellow HIV�er.
Hope this give dreams to those who were like me: with out any!
Bill
Bill, Ontario, CA
There are two incidents, which, at the time, I did not realize were precursors of my AIDS diagnosis. The first was when I was coming back from a Hemet book club meeting. Making a wrong turn, as I generally did, I was surprised to find myself on some highway or another, driving in the lane for oncoming traffic. I hit one of the rural mailboxes, and then got out of my truck to look at the damage to my side mirror. It was shattered. I continued on in that lane, hoping to see a familiar sight, when, suddenly, a patrol car came over and signaled for me to pull over. I did, and he gave me a Field Sobriety test, which I passed. He then let me go without so much as a citation!
The second was when, one night, coming home from work, I had extreme difficulty in getting through and then locking two gates to the place where I was renting a room from a co-worker, Randy, another Security guard. He knew that I was Gay, but was not bothered by it because he was "Gay-friendly." I recall having to crawl on my belly to reach the steps, the porch and then the front door. This terrified me, because I had never felt like this before.
A few days later, Randy noticed that my speech was nearly unintelligible, and that I had much difficulty in standing, never mind walking. He drove me to the Loma Linda Veterans Hospital, where I spent eleven months!
I recall only brief flashes of these months, except that I do recall three ambulance trips. And, whenever I go back to the VA Hospital for a check-up, inevitably someone will come up to me and call me by my complete name. Then, looking at their faces, I remember them, but not their names. Thank God for name tags! They generally exclaim at how well I am looking, and with a variant of "You were one of those who gave the least trouble." I have always been an amiable man, even now at 63.
I was diagnosed as in the terminal stages of AIDS, and relatives were told that my death was imminent. And just a few days earlier, I felt fine! Upon admission, my viral load count was 300,000. and Randy was told that if he had not taken me in when he did, I would have died within two days.
The doctors there were willing to write me off as a near-vegetable, but not Dr. Ing. He felt that he could help me, and he did. He actually saved my life. He said that my strong will to live, and my self-determination helped. And my nearly-daily visits by my niece and nephew, and frequent visits by Randy and another friend helped, too. I thank God on a daily basis for His intervention, and for that of Dr. Ing.
My dementia for that eleven month period bothers me, because I have always had a strong memory. But Dr. Ing thinks that a relatively new medication MAY help me to remember those lost months.
In the meantime, I am quite open about my Gayness, and about my AIDS situation. For the past couple of years, Dr. Ing has told me that my viral load count was "not at a detectable level." So you see, I have high hopes for my continued life, as long as I remain on my regimen of MANY pills daily.
My dear Robert, with whom I shared 23 years and two months of nearly always good times together, died of AIDS on my 50th birthday in 2000. Back then, there was little available for the treatment. And, he died rather quickly, less than a year after his initial diagnosis. I did not get AIDS from him, though. As soon as he realized that he was not feeling right, he refused to have sex with me. And I had not had sex with anyone for a couple of years before that, while living in L.A.
Dr. Ing told me that the virus could have lain dormant, and then emerged when I was weak. I had been very tired with a part-time 10-hour job, and two other part-time jobs.
I have been sexually non-active, through no wish of my own. But, living in one institution or another, there has been little opportunity have sex with another man. I was told by my doctor that it would be OK, as long as I used a condom. Now, to find another good man!
I have a "civilian" friend, Julius, who is also Gay-friendly. He told me that he knows a couple of sites for AIDS-positive males wanting to get with others in the same situation. I can hardly wait. Four or more years of unwanted abstinence is quite a long time, especially for someone like me, who had always before had quite an active sex life.
So, wish me well. I hope that this can let others know that there is life after the "Death Notice" that AIDS used to be, and that there is hope for all!
Sincerely,
Bill
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